


My First Time

by Thorki_ed



Series: Tumblr Requests/Norsekink Prompts [21]
Category: The Avengers (2012), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Crack, Crack Pairing, F/M, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-09
Updated: 2012-06-09
Packaged: 2017-11-07 09:46:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/429627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thorki_ed/pseuds/Thorki_ed
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for <a href="http://norsekink.livejournal.com/8802.html?thread=18224482#t18224482">norsekink prompt</a>:<br/>The Avengers share their "first time" stories due to Clint being a little shit.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My First Time

“… Let me tell you, I would not touch that again with a ten-foot-pole”

Clint and Bruce laugh at whatever Tony had said. Clint presses on for the details. Steve, Thor and Loki are confused as they join them in the kitchen.

“What are you talking about?” Steve asks, settling down for a giant roast dinner Clint’s prepared “in celebration for a night to the men without Natasha nagging them to clean or something”. The others take their place as well, just thankful for the meal.

“Tony’s just telling us about – what did you call her? – that sow he lost his virginity too,” Clint explains before roaring out in laughter. “We’re trying to get him to tell us the full story,” he adds, wiping tears from the corner of his eyes.

Loki and Thor exchange glances.

“What? What was that?” Tony asked, catching the exchange. “Wait – are you virgins?!” He squealed with delight.

“No, Tony, afraid to disappoint you,” Loki replies. Tony’s face falls, and Loki arches an eyebrow before responding in a cool demeanour, “Sorry, did you want me holy and untouched?”

Tony makes a face and Clint roars again.

“I believe what my brother meant was that we are both… just curious as to how Midgardian affairs compare to those back in Asgard,” Thor tries to explain. Loki coughs and Thor quickly adds “- or in Jotunheim”.

Clint attacks Tony again, “Come on man, just tell them the story.”

“Alright, alright!” Tony exclaims, throwing his hands up in surrender.

“I was in like, grade 9…”

~

Beers are handed around to help them settle in for the sure-to-be-entertaining story.

"So I'm there at this wicked party. I mean, I threw the party, so obviously it was wicked."

Everyone rolls their eyes as Tony stuffs his face.

"But I'm knocking back some beers with my bros after doing this cool keg stand, and a group of chicks come up to us. At first it's like, oh man, how awesome is this? so we roll with it. And roll a few other things, if you know what I mean," he adds with a wink.

Clint goes for a fistbump. Bruce rolls his eyes, and the rest look confused, but are ignored.

"So anyway, they throw themselves at us, understandably enough, and then the one I've got on my lap was what I thought to be this hot supermodel blonde..."

Clint can barely keep it together, and blurted out, "but she actually turned out to be a big fat cow?"

Everyone looked at him, appalled. Then they looked at Tony.

"Well.... yes, actually." 

Clint whooped and the rest of them grumbled. 

"She was brunette, even," Tony remembered. "And short. Really short. But she was also Pepper's friend and apparently told her I was a great lay, so I'm not remotely upset." 

"That's the most boring story I've ever heard." Shocked, the Avengers turned to Bruce. Quiet, geeky Bruce Banner who avoided crowds if he could.

Tony arches his eyebrow, "What, did you turn green or something?"

Bruce just smiles to himself and raises his glass of wine to his lips. Now he's the one Clint is pestering like a child.

~

Bruce sighed before giving in, "Maybe." The whole table stared, open-mouthed and gawking.

"No.. way!" Tony said.

"Well I started off this-" waving up and down his body, "and I had this really, really cute lab partner...."

"PICS!" Tony shouted.

Ignoring him, Bruce continued, "She was fresh out of college, and I was her senior advisor. She showed more promise than anyone else I had ever worked with. We worked relentlessly and before long, she became co-writer of most of my thesis papers and always volunteered to help set up my experiments. We were kind of king and queen of the science world. Bruce and Nicky." He smiled foolishly. 

"Ahem," Tony coughed, offended.

"Hey, you can be the prince, how's that?" Bruce returned, still grinning.

Loki scoffed, his red eyes glaring. "Science is the closest thing you have to magic. I have conquered magic. I suppose you can both kneel before me now." His lips curled upward in a smouldering smile. 

"Loki +1, science bros ZEROOOOO!" Clint calls. "But please, do continue, Bruce." He bats his eyelashes towards Bruce.

Bruce laughs, "One night, we were about to make a break through on a ridiculously complicated section of the Gamma Radiation Effect Equation. An equation set up by Nicky herself. We called it G.R.E.E.N." 

("I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE! Clint announces, very proud of himself.)

"We were so close, and this could have possibly helped repress my.. other self, but she accidentally tipped one of our beakers over, and spilled some on my leg. It burned like Hell."

Everyone was on the edge of their seat, Clint even having some roast beef gravy dripping out the corner of his mouth.

"So she apologized fiercely, but I was in pain, I was at a lost, and I was angry. I didn't want her touching me, it only made me feel more agitated. But before I knew it, she was dabbing away at my leg and I got more and more irritated... We all know what happens next. So the big guy came out to say hi. I still remember witnessing all of it and not really having control. She looked at me, horrified. Still not wanting to hurt her, I told her to run. She just looked at me like a deer caught in headlights. Then... she did something I didn't expect. She reached for the place on my chest right over my heart and said she was sorry... She told me she knew how badly she must have screwed up, how much it meant to me and that she wanted to... make up for it"

"Oh.... my.... god." Tony and Clint had paled a little. Thor and Loki have of course seen much more than just big green guys, so they were unaffected. Steve was just too polite. 

"Yeah. Geeks get their freak on. I guess it surprises you that monsters can have sex too, huh?"

"DID SHE LIVE?" was Tony's only question.

The table burst into laughter before resuming their meal. But, Clint was unstoppable.

"Hey Cap, was sex any better like, almost a century ago?"

Steve blushed, and refused to talk about his private matters, but it seemed like Clint picked up on some of Natasha's interrogation techniques...

~

Nobody had seen Steve blush so much in his life - he was as red as the bits on his shield.

"She was the most stunning woman in the entire world. Her hair was brighter red than any leaves of the autumn and her eyes were so deep and dark, like chocolate. She was something... When I first signed up for the army, we were put under her command, and unlike the other guys, I never questioned it. Unfortunately, someone wanted to test her patience, and before he knew it, he was on the ground in the fetal position. I guess the thing that really attracted me to her was her faith in me..."

Tony could be heard making gagging noises, but Bruce was listening intently and Thor even chips in, "Steve! That is magnificent!"

"Yeah, she risked her hide for me. She supported me in a mission that was considered a no-go, but she saw something in me even when I didn't... she's really the one that turned lame Captain America, the poster boy to Captain America, the super soldier. She was the reason I fought, and she is still the reason I fight today, even if she is no longer here."

He takes out an old golden compass, and flicks it open. The top latch of the locket has a picture of a gorgeous woman in it, and he passes it around for everyone to see.

"Anyway, I was just a skinny kid, picked on by the big bullies, nobody wanted me. And it didn't help I was always being shadowed by a soldier who looked and played the part, and even though I wanted to hate him, he was like a big brother to me."

Loki snorts. His smile dimples his cheeks so they look like calm blue waves upon his face. "Should've hated him. Coulda been fun." A few people chuckle, including Steve.

Thor turns to stare at him accusingly, and Loki notices out of the corner of his eyes, but pays no attention. 

"Well, I really only became desirable after the super serum injections, so she was my first. I'm happier that way. But I sorta messed things up."

"What happened?" Thor asked, handing him back his pocket compass.

Stroking his thumb over her photo and smiling apologetically into her still eyes, he says softly, "I missed a date."

~

Thor places his arm around Steve, and tells him that he understands how it feels to lose someone you love.

"When I first loved in bed, the next morning I woke alone. Little had I known my love ran off in the middle of the night. No note, no explanation. Just gone. We would of course meet again, but in a ferocious battle. We almost killed each other, seeing as how I did wish for Midgard to be taken over. " Thor got a misty, far-off look in his eyes that made them look like rolling clouds.

"How romantic," Tony said sarcastically.

"Ah yes, I consider myself very lucky. Most tales on Asgard do not end so well."

Tony gave him a hard stare as if saying are-you-freaking-kidding-me.

Clint's eyes widen with glee, "Waaaaaaait a minute.... You said that the person you love ran off?"

"Aye."

"And then you would meet them again.. in battle?"

"Aye."

"And they tried to take over Earth?"

"Aye."

"AND YOU ALMOST KILLED EACH OTHER? HOLY CHRIST. YOU AND LOKI? SERIOUSLY?!"

The room suddenly erupted into chaos, Tony sputtering and choking on his asparagus and Bruce patting him on the back, quite violently. Loki's red eyes flashed with rage and started yelling profanities at Clint across the table while Clint gleefully shouted over and over again "THOR AND LOKI KISSING IN A TREE K-I-S-S-I-N-G". Steve was trying to mediate Loki and Clint, his arms across the table in a barrier form to prevent a food fight.

Lightning cracked the sky and the thunder came so loud it shook the house. Everyone looked outside. Then the storm clouds disappeared and the sun rolled in magically as if that never happened. Everyone then looked at Thor.

"Nay, Clint Bartinson. My love for my brother is, I assure you, quite different from my love for my maidens."

Loki scoffs and mutters "idiot" under his breath to Clint.

"Oh. Well I just thought. You know, how many people could you possibly be that close with that have for one, ran away from you, two, faced you in battle, three, tried to kill you, and four TAKE OVER THE WORLD," Clint says. "It's a pretty specific list of characteristics, you know."

"Ah yes, I am aware of how I have seemingly surrounded myself with those who wish me dead, but I assure you, it is by no means a preference," Thor says, pulling a still-muttering-curses Loki into a one-armed hug. "But she was an enchantress, a powerful one. Perhaps she bewitched me, but then again, I was rather young and foolish, I doubt she needed to. She is still considered one of the most fair in all the realms. Loki may vouch." He grins broadly.

"Yeah yeah, she's sorta pretty I guess," Loki says nonchalantly. "Now will you LET GO OF ME!"

All eyes were fixed upon Loki now.

"What are you staring at?"

"Well come on, we've all shared," Clint says.

"Ohhhhhho-ho-ho-NO." Loki says with a laugh. "No way."

"Could you just a bro for one night," Tony says.

"Oh Tony, I didn't know you had such an interest in my sex life. Oh wait, yes I did, from all the desperate pleading you do to get in it." Loki smiles devilishly at Tony's increasing blush. "Still, you hear none of it. Now eat."

But after a few minutes of constant nagging from four over-the-brim-testosterone males (Steve not included, because Steve was Steve, and he was quite interested in his carrots at the moment), Loki has to fend off an inevitable headache.

"Fine. Shut up."

~

All members of the table were gawking at Loki, except for Thor, who seemed to be mulling over the details of his brother's intimate sex stories.

"You... what?" Tony said having a hard time grasping what Loki had just said.

"Is there a problem with my anatomy to you, Stark?" Loki snarled.

"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-"

"I personally think it's quite fascinating," Bruce says, his eyebrows furrowed together intensely - the look he gets when discovering something interesting.

Clint was poker-faced. Loki smiled to himself knowing that he could, quite possibly, be the only person to have ever gotten Clint to shut up for more than five minutes.

Steve, being all Steve-like, was concerned. "Were you in a lot of pain? I mean, I can only imagine... just wow. You're a lot stronger than the rest of us."

Loki doesn't give a witty comeback, because he actually likes Steve. "Why thank you. But it was not all that trouble. One day I sort of woke up and felt a little immobilized, so I figured something was happening. Then a wolf popped out. No biggie."

He went back to shovelling mashed potatoes in his mouth.

Even Steve couldn't come up with something to say after that. Dead silence ensued that remark.

Thor whispered quietly (which was not all that quiet), "Brother, you seemed to have sent them into shock."

All the heads starting bobbing up and down in silent nods, still not comprehending all of it to make a comment.

"They asked," Loki said, not giving a flying shit.

With that, Thor laughed and laughed. 

Loki even smiled and said, "Told you we do things differently." He threw a wink at a pale-white Tony Stark. Nonchalantly, he added "So, Clint. What's your story?"

~

"Um. I almost died," Clint said rather sheepishly.

"And you will die if you utter another word." All heads turned to see Natasha standing in the door frame. She had an eyebrow arched and was staring at Clint. 

He threw his hands up in surrender, "I siad nothing!"

"Good," she says coldly as she joins them at dinner between Thor and Loki. 

"So, what else did you guys talk about?"

"Sports..."

"The weather..."

"Gamma radiation..."

They're a mess.

"I told them about wolves," Loki says.

Everyone stares.

"What about wolves?" Natasha asks, curiously.

"Well-" Loki starts, and that's all anyone else needs. Five empty chairs were left spinning as each one fled to a safe corner out of the mansion, out of hearing range.

"Potatoes?" Loki offers pleasantly, flashing her a wicked grin.


End file.
